Mistakes? I think not.

Some readers of The Bleeder have reported running into a few “errors”—missing words, misspellings, factual inaccuracies, etc.—and have gleefully called them to my attention.

Let me clear this matter up by stating categorically that there are no mistakes or errors of any kind in The Bleeder. Everything in the book is precisely the way I, the artist, wanted it. And if to the layman it looks as if I’ve spelled soap “sowp,” or set the Crimean War in upstate New Jersey, it’s because that’s the way I wanted to do it. And, because I am the artist, I don’t have to explain why—that’s for others to puzzle out.

Now, I understand how much fun it is to find mistakes and errors in other people’s work. There is a certain type of person for whom identifying the shortcomings and inadequacies of others is a preoccupation (if not an actual occupation), and nothing gives them more pleasure than to point out, in the most unctuous tone possible, how you fucked up. The implication is that you are a mindless idiot and they, because they found the error, are a flipping genius—one who, tragically, has yet to receive the MacArthur grant they so richly deserve.

Well, all I have to say to that is: think again. Clearly, I am the genius who deserves a massive grant to enhance my obvious geniusness, and you—people who look for missing commas like they’re panning for gold—are the mindless idiots. Did it ever occur to you that one of the reasons I, the infallible artist, might introduce unorthodox spellings and certain grammatical mysteries into my work is to make you idiots happy? I mean, if the highlight of your day is finding a “mistake” in one of my stories—you’re welcome. How about a thank you?

My advice is: enjoy your little “discoveries,” and don’t bother me about this crap again. Remember, whenever you point out in your tsk-tsk schoolteacher voice that you found a tiny “boo boo,” all you’re really doing is letting everyone know how ignorant you are about art and literature. Next time you bump into something that your literal lizard mind thinks is a mistake, ask yourself this: If I were an infallible genius, is this the way I would do it?

The answer to that question is always going to be: yes. So shut up and keep reading.