Trigger Warning: What a Trump Presidency Might Look Like

Washington D.C.—President Trump announced today that Mexico has agreed to build “the most spectacular wall the world has ever seen” along the U.S.-Mexican border, making good on a campaign promise that many thought was ridiculous in the extreme.

Not only has president Trump convinced Mexico to pay for the wall, as he said he would, he has persuaded our neighbors to the south—which he wants to re-name “Trumpxico”— to build the wall twice as high as originally planned, and to plate the entire thing in solid gold, with a giant “T” engraved every fifty feet on each side.

“He threatened to invade Mexico and turn it into a golf course, so we had no choice but to build a wall,” said Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto of president Trump’s brilliant “bully”-pulpit diplomacy. “He’s crazy, and he just might do it, so a few billion dollars seems like a small price to pay.”

After the wall is built, president Trump’s highly anticipated jobs program will kick in. Since everyone with skin darker than a pancake has been either deported or jailed, Trump’s plan is to issue a lawnmower and some pruning shears to every teenage boy in America, and put them to work running a lawn service. “When they turn eighteen, they can become roofers,” Trump explained, “or maybe open a restaurant.”

In other Trump news, the president has issued an executive order requiring that all news in the United States be about him, and only him. Explaining his decision, president Trump said, “Ninety percent of the news is already about me, so why not just get rid of the stuff people don’t want to read and make it all about me? Makes sense, right?”

Mr. Trump’s first action as president was to shut down the New York Times and the Washington Post, completing his pledge to transform America into a “paperless” society. “It’s good for the environment, and it’s good for me,” president Trump declared. If anyone tries to defy him by writing something “boring and pointless” about foreign policy, arts and culture, sports, or financial dealings that don’t involve him, Trump has said he will simply “turn the Internet off.”

“It’ll be fun,” Trump tweeted yesterday about his threat to shut down the Internet. “We’ll see how long people like living in a Trump-less world. Not long, I’m guessing.”

In the Middle East, president Trump’s recent nuclear attack on Iran is now in the cleanup phase, after which the country will be turned into a giant parking lot. “America has a huge parking problem,” Trump said before he pushed the nuclear button. Then, afterwards, “Problem solved.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s plans to invade the Middle East, Africa, Japan, Australia, the Koreas, Europe, and South America continue apace. Trump explained his military strategy to reporters this way: “Face it, the problem with the world is that there are too many countries. It’s confusing. Let’s cut it down to three: Us, China, and Russia.” Alliances with China and Russia are necessary to take over the world, Trump’s advisers admit, but they also offered reassurances that Trump plans to double-cross the remaining two superpowers in the end and “run the board.”

Back at home, the U.S. Senate voted 48-2 to pass president Trump’s proposed legislation providing a free boob job to any woman in America who wants one. In a press release explaining the rationale behind the bill, president Trump said, “All women want bigger, firmer boobs. All men want women to have bigger, firmer boobs. It’s a win-win. Big boobs make everybody happier. That’s a fact.”

The only dissenters in the Senate vote were Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.), both of whom said, “We like our boobs just the way they are.”

To which Trump replied, “You’re the only ones, trust me.”

Later, Trump’s daily 5. a.m. tweet read, “Liz could be president if she were a C cup. Too bad it’s never gonna happen.” Sen. Warren immediately tweeted back, “My breasts are a lot firmer than your grasp of foreign policy.” To which Trump responded, “There she goes again, talking about her breasts. Does this woman have no shame?”

Next week, Congress will consider president Trump’s proposal to enlarge the Washington monument three-fold and re-name it Trump’s Other Tower. “I can see it from my window, and it’s way too small,” Trump has explained. “It needs to be a lot bigger. Much, much bigger. Who can respect a monument that small?”

When the monument re-opens, Trump says he will grant free admission to women who are a “6” or above. “That means, to see my monument, Lizzy Warren is going to have to pay,” he explained.

“His stupidity is, gee, let’s pick a word . . . how about monumental?” Warren snarked when she was informed of the attraction’s peculiar admissions policy.

“Damn right it is,” Trump tweeted, “just like everything else about me.”

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton continues to appeal her incarceration at Guantanamo Bay. She is serving a 300-year sentence for “trying to destroy everything,” and is only allowed to eat Trump steaks on plates from the recently shuttered Trump Taj Mahal casino.